Winter is upon us. Cold weather, snow, and ice wraps the North East in a frigid blanket every single year. If you are having problems trying to stay warm in these months, we’re here to help. Here are the top 10 ways to avoid becoming a Popsicle.
1. Wear 50 Sweaters:
Or wear 50 pairs of pants, or 50 hats. It’s up to your digression. The idea is to layer; once you have layered to the point of immobility, then can you be sure that the winter won’t break your portable fortress of clothes. You don’t have to be worried about slipping or being hit by cars either, the added layers will act like an air bag in any situation.
2. Wrap Yourself in Aluminum Foil:
Make yourself a baked potato. Baked potatoes are masters at staying warm. Learn from the best and protect yourself from the harsh elements by creating an oven to walk around in. Of course, several layers is suggested, but as long as everything is covered, its fail proof.
3. Carry around a Space Heater:
Never embrace the outside alone without a heater. Forget clothes, carry around your own personal space heater. For those who are adventurous, carry around 5 or 6, and make your own tornado of heat. Just don’t touch the coils.
4. Penguin Huddle:
Penguins are undoubtedly the smartest animals on the planet. They outrank even the smartest college professors in any IQ test. For many years, the top penguin scientists have been devising the best ways to maintain heat in Antarctica, and from their efforts, the penguin huddle was born. Be smart and find a few friends, or many strangers, and cuddle them standing up.
5. Don’t Go Outside:
Forget the cold. Don’t ever leave your home. Don’t ever leave your bed. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, it’s better to never get involved.
6. Bring Bed Where ever you go:
If you can’t stay home, bring home with you. Strap your bed onto your back, and never leave the warmth and security of your bed. You get the added nonstop workout that’s involved with carrying around a few hundred pounds where ever you go. You’ll be jacked by spring.
7. Start a Trash Can Fire:
Simple, easy, and cheap. Find a generic aluminum trash can, insert your favorite combustables, and ignite! Great for cooking too!
8. Grow a Coat of Fur:
Bring out your inner Russian and become a bear. Grow as much body hair as possible (Rogaine, everywhere) and insulate yourself. No need to worry about extra clothes or spending extra money on coats or pants, just become Chewbacca.
9. Run Everywhere:
Run to school. Then run home. Then run while you’re doing homework. The trick is to never stop running at all. Your body will produce a lot of heat from all of your excess running, and you will likely lose a few pounds too. When you're all sweaty, don't forget to share the warmth with your friends.
10. Embrace the Cold:
Go outside without any protection against the elements at all. Sure it will sting and hurt at first, but eventually, it will become so numb that the cold won’t even be felt at all anymore. Don’t let Mother Nature get you down, stand up to her and be assertive. Hypothermia and frost bite are just urban myths anyways.